Fakiest faker ever

Am I the only one doing this???

Last week I was on a Zoom class for artists. It was presented by the Visual Artists Association to introduce members to their mentorship program. Ooooh, I was so stoked to take part. I was up bright and early (they are in London so it was an early wake-up for me), had my water ready to go, tea was brewing, pen and notebook at the ready.

🎶 All in our places with bright shiny faces . . . 🎶

As the call went along, I became super excited about working with the mentor. She works with a lot of neurodivergent artists, in particular lots of autistics. I wanted to jump through my screen and hug her! She is brilliant. Full of great ideas and clearly loves her work.

Then that mean inner critic woke up. I guess she had slept in or maybe she’s in a different time zone. I wish she had taken the dang day off. But no, there she was, weaseling her way into my brain.

I don’t even want to write down what that voice said to me because it makes it more real, but I’m going to spill it and kill it with sunshine, truth and love. So here goes.

That ugly voice loves to tell me I’m not really an artist. Because I don’t have a degree in art, I can’t call myself an artist. Being self-taught isn’t valid. No one will like my work. I’m wasting my time. I’m too old. I’m stupid. I haven’t a clue. I’ll never be successful. I’ll never have a good idea again. And on and on and on.

As the artists on the call shared how working with the mentor had helped them in their work and careers, that voice ramped up. I mean, like warp speed.

“Look at her! She’s about half your age. Look how great she’s doing. She has better hair than you. Everything is working beautifully for her. You will never have that. Just stop trying already. You can’t do this.”

Then another artist shared her results and the voice said, “Wow, she has better hair than you, too. (Side note: why is that ugly voice fixated on hair???) Well, yeah, she’s self-taught like you, but she’s so successful. Just admit it — you will never be like them. They’re doing great. This ain’t for you, girl.”

Oh boy. By the end of the hour, I was in knots.

I’ve done a lot of work around that critical voice. I’ve come to see that she is trying to spare me from disappointment and pain. She says some really ugly things, but I think she’s doing her best to help me. Don’t get your hopes up, Zuzu. Life is hard, Zuzu. People will hurt you, Zuzu. People will disappoint you, Zuzu. Things aren’t going to go your way, Zuzu. You gotta protect yourself, Zuzu.

But here’s the thing.

Yes, I have been disappointed and hurt. Awful things have happened to me, AND

life is beautiful

and people are wonderful

and the world is full of joy and love and light

and hope and just absolutely fabulous things!

Instead of being discouraged by the success of other artists, I am grateful they are succeeding — for their own sake and mine. Seeing them succeed shows me that it’s possible for me, too. I’m not in competition with them. There’s enough room for ALL of us to create and succeed, no matter what we do with our time.

I’m proud I took what my mom taught me when I was about three years old and came up with a way to express myself and share how I see the world through my autistic eyes. I’m absolutely in love with my work! And I’m pretty smitten with myself, too. 🥰

I hope I’m the only one talking trash to myself. If not, how ‘bout we pinky promise to go easy on ourselves? Maybe just for today, we can love those parts of ourselves we don’t like all that much. Maybe just for today, we can trust that things truly are okay. Maybe just for today, we can gently tell that inner critic to suck eggs. 😂

It’s okay. We’re okay. All is well.

Are you in?

💕

Zuzu

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